My first blog

At first I called it 'Maria Fernanda's Daughter' because that is her name. But then it felt uncomfortable, strange, like I was writing about someone I didn't know. I may as well have named it 'Marilyn Monroe's Daughter' for a name is a name but my mother is only mine so I had to change it to make me feel closer to her. A proximity that I am trying to hold onto, however badly, as she slips painfully through my fingers.

I am writing about my mother and her struggle with cancer. Partly, because I am finding it hard to sleep at night and have nothing to do and partly because I don't feel as though I am handling the situation as well as I could at times and feel the need to get it off my chest. Talk about it. But not to people who know me - they will judge me and say that they understand, but they don't. For there are people who have been through very similar, even identical situations, but not with my mother. You will understand better when I tell you more bout her. And I can tell you. You are allowed to judge me because you don't know me and I don't care, because I don't know you.

I will try not to make too many grammatical or spelling errors. I am no writer so keep that in mind while you are reading this.

You will find that my mood and the situation I find myself in will impact greatly on what I write about my mother on that particular day. I can sometimes be vile about her. Sometimes her behaviour is rather vile. She has always been this way but the cancer has made it worse. Heightened all the bad aspects of her personality and almost nullified all the good points. She can be wonderful and crazy and full of life too, or she was. She is the strongest woman I have ever met - a medical miracle ( so say her doctors). You need to know how strong she is - that is important.

I would like to say that I really love my mother. Unhealthy as our relationship has been in the past and continues to be now, at times, I do care for her very deeply and feel a great amount of pity for her.

I'm sorry that this first post has been rather morbid but hopefully I will be able to lighten it up a bit when we get to know each other better and I feel like you know a bit more about my situation.

Until tomorrow, or the next day,

AA x